The Gray

I’m trying to find my footing, and I’m looking for a place to stand. I’ve left the rotten foundation that I was raised with, choosing now to understand who I am. When I look at myself I see confusion about nearly everything, I contemplate things way too much. The fact still remains that when I was growing up my parents chose their own selfish ambitions over their kids needs. It may sound like another bitching kid over his upbringing, but this is not over that this is about the pain of understanding.
I thought I understood many things that went on in my world as a kid, in fact I would pride myself with my sense of understanding. I was only 11, and at that age I think it‘s a good thing to have some raised ego. The only problem is that I was made to think that I was a warrior, I was hammered with thoughts of grandeur and glory for myself. I was told of riches abundant and if I had the faith, I would be deserving. I was told a lie, I was a child given a knights sword and sent to battle because my father in his cowardice could not bear the burden of facing himself. I was massacred along with four others.
I often thought that it was my fault. I thought that what went wrong was because of my paths chosen. This is the pain that I have, this is the legacy that I have to cleanse myself from. These are the lies that I deal with, this not about malice or hatred, this is about anger and the pain that it covers.
This is about self preservation, for if I allow this pain to turn to hatred then I have truly lost myself. I feel like a chalk board full of writing, where would you like to start cleaning? This is not about trying to forget either, I’ve done that before and it works great as a instant defense, but one cannot forget themselves and the story that they posses. I’m healing myself day by day. It’s a long line of tears that seem to never stop. It’s being brave enough to not feel numb anymore, there is only faith. The faith that I have is not for courage, but this faith is the grip that I have on this abyss as I climb. This Faith is the knowing that I am not strong enough, nor am I required to be stronger that my brother. I only have to be strong enough to look in the mirror and to act. There is beauty even in the morning mist, it just takes a unsuspecting heart to open their eyes.