Self Medication

Some of my previous blogs have been focused on a somewhat recent relationship, well ok it was 5 months ago so not that recent. Anyway the main point of the blogs were to express the pain that I’ve been feeling and having a way to vent some of that pent up pressure. This pain that I’ve been feeling has driven me insane, it’s a constant force that I’ve had to fight with in my thoughts and decisions and self image. It would be terribly dangerous if left unchecked. I’ve worked with it for a while now not really trying to understand it, but just managing it. It worked well at first but it’s come back and I’ve had to open up some of my flood gates to release my feelings, it’s been hard but I decided to face it and find out where all of this is coming from in my head. Well after a couple of days spent wrestling with brain and digging deep into some dark rooms I’ve come up with something, it’s me that’s the cause. When I broke up with my ex girlfriend I hurt her very deeply emotionally and I was hurt emotionally also. The difference was that I didn’t forgive myself for hurting her and I still haven’t forgiven myself, there were a lot of other issues at the time but the one thing that I haven’t let go about that relationship was how badly I hurt the girl that I loved at the time. I’m working it out now in learning some self forgiveness 101 because I’ve realized that there are quite a few other areas in my life where I have not forgiven myself for things that have happened. Pain allows us to know what happiness is. Pain is created by our mind and body, physical pain is a message from our bodies telling us something is wrong and emotional pain is our soul telling us something is wrong. God created our bodies and through such pain was already integrated into the human race from the start.