Thoughts and The Journey

Looking Back

2010-03-13T01:57:00.000-08:00

I’ve been reading back at the original entries of this blog with awe and amazement. I know that people change in life and that change is difficult to recognize, but it’s amazing to read it from my own experience. I am in no way trying to immortalize my life with grandeur or inflated ego; rather I am just taken a back at the speed and dynamic quality of life. I started this blog four years ago while I was working through the most difficult questions of my life and since then I have been able to see those wounds slowly close. This closure is because of the people who surrounded me with love even though I never really knew how great that love was and is. I hope that I am that to those around me.

Shadow of Light

2010-03-13T01:30:00.000-08:00

Good morrow dusty blog, it has been a hundred fortnights since my pen hath glossed thine images.
Tonight is not about fickle aspects of life, nor about the daily joys and sorrows that plague an individuals mind. Instead, the topic is as timeless and as constant as Big Ben himself. Ticking away through human question and invention, our topic will acquaint itself with all the heirs and heiresses of Adam and Eve. Good and Evil are our suitors for a stay and in each their own garments they tempt us to sway our opinions and actions to one end of the pendulum. From the rise of Helios till the set of Selene, our every daily lives are wrought and forged with the choices of a lifetime. We sometimes use words to demean the importance of the present second, ‘too long a days work has made me tired, so tell me when is my respite so that I may be done with it’ and this is one of an infinite blind, bold statements which has issued forth from mine own lips. From the same mouth I have been choked with the effort of relaying the beauty of a single moment or friendship.
It is a rarity to understand that as the grain of sands fall, we all place stone after stone to construct the pathway of our lives. This labor might seem effortless if one did not understand the cost and reward behind the action. We sacrifice the effort of breath so that we may have another instant of life; we expend attentiveness to keep beating our hearts in order to squeeze out one more drop of life’s nectar. This process of existence can be sadly ignored if one chooses. Life can become a labor from which the effort is paid in a drowned memory. Life can be a pain that is too great to even speak of let alone bear for an instant. Life can also be the million joys shared in a day, and yet these attributes are what make life’s seed flourish like the most exquisite flower that dies moments after its conception. The miracle of this world is the absolute stubbornness of life. The enigma of life is choosing how to live it, how to perceive it, and to interact with it. We choose sides in this life and we choose who we are. We never choose who we will be in the future, for only the choices that are made in the fleeting moment are recorded in history to be judged. It is only what we do in actuality that provides any resolute weight on our lives. We can choose a myriad of directions for our life to take, and these decisions are weighed with words of Good, Evil, or Benign. We choose to be any or all of these three moods of life and at the end we all will find our choices absolute. This is the oddity of life that I find remarkable. No matter the choice or reason a life is lived, be it for evil or good, it still ends. The moral satisfaction and the internal sanctity match the temperament of our actions and reward them. In parting, I believe it must be said that the good and evil, that seem so separate, do balance each other. I whish you luck in finding a balanced pathway in life for I find it very difficult, but rather enjoyable!
I do believe that is enough for a night!

Change

2008-04-12T06:52:00.001-07:00

Soon I will be going back to Colorado to visit my family that lives out there. I’ll only be heading out there for a weekend, but it should be a lot of fun. As the day that I leave approaches I’ve found it interesting on how small amounts of fear can creep into my life regarding the trip. It’s not a desperate fear or something that overwhelms me, but rather a small and slow fear. I am afraid that I’ve change and that my family has changed and that some of the connection points are lost. It’s odd to be afraid of this because I know that I’ve changed and that my family has changed, I want control over the change and I don’t have it. I want a static control over a dynamic relationship, doesn’t really work.

Blinders are off

2008-04-11T14:53:00.000-07:00

Recently I have been slowly coming out of my self created hiding spot that has shielded me from spirituality. This hiding spot was originally created to protect myself from a fear and guilt based version of Christianity. It is a scary and slightly painful experience opening my perspective. I at once have been overwhelmed by a myriad of questions that seem unanswerable or at least questions that will require time and dedication to resolve. Even with my Christian background I feel much uninformed of what the bible actually teaches. I know some of the parables and some of the stories but as I grew up in the church I felt that those examples did not apply to my life at all, that some how I was above the teaching. It’s a humbling and a somewhat hard to acknowledging that the majority of understanding that I have about the bible is based off of a rather dysfunctional form of Christianity. I don’t think that I can trust my previous knowledge of the bible and will have to start over in a sense. I am scared to study the bible with a different perspective because then I might actually choose to believe in some or most of what it teaches. I would so much love to remain ignorant to my aversion to spirituality but I choose not to be!

Dreams

2007-12-10T14:44:00.001-08:00

I.

I have a story to tell
It’s not so long, it’s not so stale
The story is about happiness, sadness, everything between
It’s about the past, the present, and the memories

To start it off I’ll tell you who I am
I’m a decent guy and hopefully a good friend
I have experience overwhelming in some places
And in others I find myself lost and lacking

I grew up a somewhat abnormal life
With a little extra guilt and a side of strife
My parents loved my siblings and I
But on many occasions they forgot us

As for a family right now
We are broken up and spread out
Some of the bonds where forged stronger that steel
And with other relationships….forced to kill

Three remain strong and somewhat renewed
Number for, my brother in-law I also must include
As for my mother, father and my other sister
They are distant…as distant as a splinter!

That should be enough background for now
I’ll try to fill in the gaps you may be wondering about
Now lets get back to the story present
And I will tell you what I truly resent.

II.

It all starts out in a midnight scene
I’m walking alone on a dark path,
It might as well have been a dream
Again I was thinking about the past

From time to time I get lost in my thoughts
they can overwhelm me in the present
It’s like seeing a compost pile rot
Remembering the actions that I resent

I know it sounds a little disheartening
But that is not the point of this tale
This information is but a warning
If you do not wish to walk in a present hell

When I’ve been lost in the painful past
I cannot be present for my life at hand
When I think about it time goes so fast
But once lived it is finished, a painting on a stand

To and fro I have walked down that wandering road
Not realizing my feet, but remembering things all the way
It’s almost like an addiction to my mind and what I know
Needing and hating my thoughts in a strange sort of way

III.

During one of these episodes of mine
I was walking along and ended up in a line
I know now that I was in a coffee shop of sorts
But before I noticed it seemed so vague

I do remember everything after that moment
It’s been burned into my thoughts forever
I was relieved in the present from my torment
Detached from my usual routine, this seemed better

I felt comforted when I was near her
And yet I felt so selfish to accept this gift
In me a million emotions seemed to stir
It twisted my mind in ways beyond belief

At first I was unable to say anything at all
But as the days passed she began to notice
I wanted to ask her but I felt so immeasurably small
If she could see through me, I had to know this

Looking back I can see that it didn’t really matter
I was just trying to hold up a false image for impressions
In the end it just seems to wind up as extra clutter
I would compare it to believing in a flawed religion

I continued to go to her coffee shop
But would only allow myself once a week
I can remember being so terrified at first
At times I forgot I even had feet.

V.

As time passed we became friends and went on walks together
I would quietly listen and she would just talk and talk
It did not bother me at all because it kept my memories away
And it truth I was still a little scared and didn’t know what to say

Our relationship grew from like to love, something made to last
I was finally able to paint my life without my haunted past
She told me her stories and I told her all of mine
I thought it would hurt but it turned out just fine

The past was the past, finally where it should be
And I was living in the present and I was truly happy
It was something beyond beauty and I wish that you could see
As the smallest moments turn into treasured memories

Now as you can see from the story above
It seemed that my life was following a set path
It was something powered with an endless love
But I was a captive once again to my minds wrath

With sincere sadness I must tell you that this tale does not last
Do you remember when I told you about I can get lost in my past
There is an antonym in my mind and this will drive me insane
It seems that I can get lost in other dreams too, but they are the opposite of pain

By Jeffrey Cook

Thoughts

2007-10-23T22:14:00.000-07:00

At a crossroads in my mind,
Looking for something fresh to find
Maybe a tale or poem new
That elder wisdom or tasty brew

Learning to teach, a noble path
Defy reason for fulfillment and delight
One life to have, no wrong path to choose
Leave missing the notes in these measures

Ambient stars are out tonight
With hideous gargoyles, those haunted protectors
Masks pulled off, humanities exposure
Maybe Snow White was fulfilled in her slumber

Rain reminds day to day
Each drop alone can cleanse the body
But all the rain of a passing storm
Can cleanse the “me” from the body

War, countries, Leaders, more kisses from Judas
Maybe a cross can blind a countries morality
If for a minute tears where listened to
Our hearts would reveal that love embraces death and fear.

By Jeffrey Cook

A Path of Healing, A Dream Broken

2007-05-02T09:58:00.000-07:00

I was helping them, they where in need and in pain
I was their help and their only hope, I was their savior
I took their gratitude for my personal pleasure
I was not altruistic in my motives, but selfish

My individuality was made more important than theirs
My ability to stand took away my compassion
My ability to heal their wounds stole their humanity
In my eyes their was only myself in the room with bodies

My selfish dream was stripped from me without mercy
Without bodies to heal and without pain to take away
I was left without definition and without any motivation
I was left without anyone to need me and I was alone

A New Way of Thinking

2007-04-24T16:21:00.001-07:00

So think as if your every thought were to be etched in fire upon the sky for all and everything to see. For so, in truth, it is.

So speak as if the world entire were but a single ear intent on hearing what you say. And so, in truth, it does.

So do as if your every deed were to recoil upon your heads. And so, in truth, it does.

(Mikhail Naimy)

Stranger

2007-04-17T20:52:00.000-07:00

Too broken and twisted a heart,
Maybe love and guidance did not play its part
Or perhaps reality was forgotten for a moment
As years of pain unleashed its torment

No amount of answers will quench this pain
No finger to be pointed, we all share the blame
Mourn for the loved, cherished, and the stranger
Weep for the 33 lost in that cocktail of pain and anger

Spiritual anger

2007-03-17T21:58:00.000-07:00

Lately I’ve been searching for more knowledge about religion and spiritual concepts so that I can choose the right road to walk down religiously speaking. In a class that I am taking the professor talks about the spiritual level that some of the Buddhist monks have been able to achieve, this was at first very appealing to me. To have posses something that the majority of the worlds population did not have was to say the least a enticing, however the more appealing aspect of having that heightened sense of spirituality was to be able to see the true path spiritually that seems to be clouded by my own doubts. I’m reading a book called Buck Naked Faith and so far it starts with a guy sharing a story about himself when he screwed up in college sexually. He was a spiritual leader at the college and after his falling from grace he looks to mentors to support him. This book also has the general spiritual analogies referencing stunted spiritual growth to Bonsai trees. As I’ve read past the 30th page I have had the strongest urge to rip this book in half. I don’t know if it is because it’s bringing up past negative feelings about Christianity in general, or rather that this sounds just like our typical “I fell and now here is how to be a better Christian” Don’t depend on my accounts about this book to decide if you should read it or not because I am a rather damaged and sensitive in the whole realm to deal with Christianity. One thing that I detest within spiritual books is when you get the (insert a number here) steps to have a closer walk with god. Detest is a strong word, and for now that is pretty much how I feel. Well I tried to read past the next couple of pages and found out that the author utilizes a 7 step process and each chapter is a different step. GOD IS NOT A FORMULA!!!! He just can’t be, and if he is we’re all screwed.

Dear God

2007-03-12T21:31:00.000-07:00

Dear God, I have a problem with you, I can’t understand you and I don’t even know if I believe in you. I read the book that has your teachings without care, and I can’t feel your touch in it except when I read about you forgiving Simon peter after he betrayed you three times. I hate the feeling of the community in churches because I perceive it all to be fake. The source of all this isn’t because of you though, it is by those who tried to teach me about you. I have a lot of anger built up inside of me and I have many desires that I give in to, I don’t give myself the willpower to stop the way I live my life. I guess that what the real problem between you and me is me….I don’t know if I will change. I have a hard enough time writing to my brother consistently let alone trying to keep up a relationship with you. I don’t want to live in community with other Christians because I think it will make me feel fake and exposed, anything but safe. All in all I look at other religions for an easer path that I might be able to take, I don’t want to give you a chance with me. I don’t want to risk anything for you, I don’t hate you and I haven’t shown you love so what do you want? I just want to be Simon Peter when he betrays you, separate and away from you. I think that I could be him easily; I know that I would deny you three times…hell maybe even more if I was threatened. Even if I did stand up for you it wouldn’t be for you, it would be for my own self righteousness. I don’t want to trust you and I don’t want to receive your forgiveness because I don’t think I need it. I was born this way and so why is it my fault? This is very childish I know, but it is how I feel. I wonder why I call out to you when I’m in trouble, well actually I feel as though you’re an insurance provider. I don’t really give a damn about going to heaven or hell because I don’t think I perceive them correctly and the fear of hell can only be used for so long until I become tired or loose interest. When I’ve said “I give my life to you” it’s only because it doesn’t cost me anything. Another childish thing is that my parents claim they are Christians and because they claim to be I want to be something different, something unique. I don’t give you the time of day and I don’t give a damn right now. I’ll claim to be a Christian when it is convenient and denounce my connection to Christianity for the same reasons. Dear God, I have a problem with me in the end I suppose, not you. I hope that I will be able to shed this all and be friends, I’ll be walking on this path for a while so take your time and I’ll take mine.

Remember Me

2007-02-21T12:55:00.000-08:00

To close our conversation to my heart, the next time we see each other it will be forgot
The pain that brought us together will tear us once again into this eternity
Of nothing but formalities and masks, a future that I’d rather not discuss
We’ve let go of each other, our humanity to real to touch and easier when lost

The love we’ve shared is far too painful, regrets and upset voices fill the paths we’ve walked
The ghosts will fade one day along with the pain, choose your road of nothingness and forget me
It’s not what you want but I understand why you hurt, maybe when we are ghosts ourselves we can reunite
The light that glows within your body has faded and I can no longer feel your warmth

Please do not think bad of me for saying goodbye, just turn your head and step aside
I must run for as long as I can, you cannot go further and cannot understand
Let go of me and hold on to the past, may it bring you the comfort you’ve never had
With all of the love that I have I pray that the morphine you’ve chosen is strong

Good bye to you my broken love I’ll look back to see you when I can, protect your pride and past
Take hold of what pieces that you can and stay afloat for as long as your counterfeit words will last
I will see you in your purest light one day, and then we can say all these words withheld
For now I must leave you so remember me and hold on to these memories

Flowing

2007-02-20T16:05:00.000-08:00

Well as I see my life right now it looks like a river with different paths it has carved into rock and sand. So far my life has meandered around small hills, washed over sandbanks and taken the occasional sharp bend. One of these latest sharp bends that I have realized has been taking place over the last few months. I moved out to Minnesota about a year ago and so far it’s been a; fun, hot, humid, freezing, and overall a painfully good time! I’ve learned a lot about myself and have been able to see a little bit of how much I really don’t know myself, a thing which I’ve been slowly trying to change. I live pretty far away from my immediate family. My brother is fighting in Afghanistan in the 82^nd airborne division; my oldest sister is back in Colorado and is married I also have another sister that lives in Florida. All In all it makes for numerous phone calls and some occasional hard good byes after seeing one another. The question that I have been asking myself is “how does this affect me”?

It’s hard to be separated from the family that I’ve grown up with, it’s something that keeps me up at night and it makes me sad. I feel like I’m drifting away from my family and the relationships that I once had have changed. The change is both good and bad, but in the end they are different from the bonds we had growing up. I have grown up and my perspective has done the same, I sometimes miss my fantasy filled dreams about my brother being the leader of the evil pirates as I defended the Island outpost made from Legos. At the same time I am glad to be where I am and happy that the time has passed. It makes me feel small.
I have also realized another aspect of this “bend” in my life and that is time will go on. However mundane and simple it may sound, time still goes on. It is something that can be relied upon to continue. I wonder how I will change as time passes and I wonder what my relationships will look like in the future. I don’t know these answers and it gives me comfort in not knowing them. I feel fragile when I look at the world, I feel small and I enjoy it. I enjoy knowing that I exist and that I could die tomorrow or live to be one hundred and never know it. I enjoy not knowing what paths the relationships in my life might take; it profits me nothing if I worry about it anyway.

Make me small again

2006-12-06T22:35:00.000-08:00

You love me without strings and without expectations yet I can't see you. I feel your presence when I gaze upon the morning light with all of its hope, but I was never loved with purity! I take in for my own this gift that you have given with only tears in my eyes and with a sense of belonging yet I have never belonged before. I do not understand you because I have argued for reasons of your existence and by doing so made myself doubt. I have meditated in temples foreign to my self and yet found you next to me in silence and meditation. I have called to you by names I've used before without answer, but when I give name to my desperation you overwhelm me. I gaze upon ideas considered by my past to be heresy yet with curiosity and your mystery within face the eyes of those long past they stare back at me with aknowledgement. Above all as I fell fighting for your name with a different face and mortality you questioned my world and it dissolved before my eyes. You've left a clue for me and I see it time to time the drop of reality placed within the sunrise and sunset is enough to keep me awake.

I see you first

2006-12-06T22:28:00.000-08:00

I focus on the smell of the smoke filled air entering my lungs. I begin to see the embers glowing red as my eyes slowly close. I start to sink, down, down, down I have no sense of time as I look at myself standing there. I call our to you with a voice that is searching

Can you hear me
Will you hear me

I know you can answer yes with assurance, but don't let that be forever. Maybe "no" is safer for you if you'd take some advice from another.

A Greeting to you

2006-12-06T22:26:00.000-08:00

When you say hello do you really care,
think upon this issue now, don't cover it with dispair
when you expose your heart with another
Will it make you closer to me than my mother?

Walking

2006-12-06T22:20:00.000-08:00

My feet are here for now
after waling a long way I will rest.
The air is crisp in this place
Fresh tracks are only mine to make.

The place I came from is covered with fog,
but when I look back I always catch it in a yawn.
The snow is sharp where I tread,
however it's better than a hunters trap!

Once upon my troubled thoughts

2006-12-06T22:16:00.000-08:00

You Spoke those hollow words with all your heart,
You were never with me when we spent time together.
Those promises you made paid with love you've forgotten,
and all of your good intentions are yet only selfishness

You seek to love me but it hurts too much please stop
because the help you give is a poison that steals my sanity.
Even now the gifts you give are a gateway leading to your lust
Thanks for this poisoned dream

Trick or Treat Madness!

2006-10-31T22:24:00.000-08:00

Well tonight being Halloween I took my cousin and her friend around the neighborhood to do some good ol' trick or treating. Most people know that this was originally a pagan festival and involved witches demanding a gift or placing curse on the individual asked. Now it's just a great way to have some fun and get free candy along with my favorite part of dressing up in crazy costumes that I secretly wish I could wear all year around! I was depraved of this wonderful ritual when I was a kid. I was not allowed to go trick or treating because of religious beliefs so in light of that depressing thought I am making up ground the last three years running I have broken the law and committed some great over the age trick or treating :) if you want to feel like a kid and have a blast break the law and go trick or treating with some of the younger kids it's a blast! However this is the one law of Halloween, it will always be colder than it was last year so bundle up or freeze!

The Silence

2006-10-29T21:30:00.000-08:00

The silence that I have given to my blog has to end. It has been crazy with work and school, but that is no excuse for not blogging and sharing my wonderful thoughts with the world or at least my family. So just to let you all know I'm not dead and I'll write more from here on out (hopefully) .

What do I do for this conundrum?
shall I fight the dragons and elementals,
or play my guitar and be a minstrel
the answer will have my wit undone !

REI women's underwear

2006-10-01T18:51:00.000-07:00

The past couple of days I've been working like crazy at my new job. We are opening a new REI and although it's been the best job I've ever worked at, the process of unloading trucks filled to the top with gear and sorting that gear has been quite the task. I managed to keep a pretty good attitude through my two first days working besides the fact that I had a really bad cold and I worked a 9 hour day then a 12 hour day. However the third day almost broke my strong willed attitude towards life. I was forced to sort women's underwear for the first part of the day which I didn't mind too much, but the constant battering from some of my friends and the fact that I'm actually really bad at sorting women's underwear for some reason started to get to me. Well we where given a fifteen minute break and so I ran a the local caribou Coffee to get my much needed fix. After a large mintcondition with an extra shot in it along with a very buttery and large cinnamon roll I went back to work. Even with my caffeine boost and delicious roll I did not have the courage to face the underwear again so I decided to do a little more self indulgence and I rather tactfully switched to sorting the climbing department.

The Gray

2006-09-01T21:00:00.000-07:00

I’m trying to find my footing, and I’m looking for a place to stand. I’ve left the rotten foundation that I was raised with, choosing now to understand who I am. When I look at myself I see confusion about nearly everything, I contemplate things way too much. The fact still remains that when I was growing up my parents chose their own selfish ambitions over their kids needs. It may sound like another bitching kid over his upbringing, but this is not over that this is about the pain of understanding.
I thought I understood many things that went on in my world as a kid, in fact I would pride myself with my sense of understanding. I was only 11, and at that age I think it‘s a good thing to have some raised ego. The only problem is that I was made to think that I was a warrior, I was hammered with thoughts of grandeur and glory for myself. I was told of riches abundant and if I had the faith, I would be deserving. I was told a lie, I was a child given a knights sword and sent to battle because my father in his cowardice could not bear the burden of facing himself. I was massacred along with four others.
I often thought that it was my fault. I thought that what went wrong was because of my paths chosen. This is the pain that I have, this is the legacy that I have to cleanse myself from. These are the lies that I deal with, this not about malice or hatred, this is about anger and the pain that it covers.
This is about self preservation, for if I allow this pain to turn to hatred then I have truly lost myself. I feel like a chalk board full of writing, where would you like to start cleaning? This is not about trying to forget either, I’ve done that before and it works great as a instant defense, but one cannot forget themselves and the story that they posses. I’m healing myself day by day. It’s a long line of tears that seem to never stop. It’s being brave enough to not feel numb anymore, there is only faith. The faith that I have is not for courage, but this faith is the grip that I have on this abyss as I climb. This Faith is the knowing that I am not strong enough, nor am I required to be stronger that my brother. I only have to be strong enough to look in the mirror and to act. There is beauty even in the morning mist, it just takes a unsuspecting heart to open their eyes.

Things

2006-08-28T00:36:00.000-07:00

Don’t worry about me, I don’t want to see your face
I’ve need buy my things and keep up in this raceThey keep me company and I tell them rhymes
They buzz and swirl like many clocks with chimes

I work hard for them, they sit in my house
I show them off to friends, jealousy is roused
I really don’t need them, maybe I’ll see this in time
Or will I keep them forever, and call the world mine

Shiny is good, if it ticks that’s great
The only thing I care about is what battery does it take?
Who needs other people when I have my toys
At least they don’t complain to me like little girls and boys.

Jeffrey Cook

Why

2006-08-21T14:26:00.000-07:00

Why, Why do the good die young
And most heroes go unsung
Where justice and liberty prevail
A life passes on too young and frail

Red and blue stop by the field
Where daddy's girl has fate revealed
Mothers stares through window shown
With her daughters fate unquestioned and unknown

Telephone rings a tale surreal, but true
In a day death must rue
Black and crimson on her body staining
Only love and memories remaining

All the promise and hope of a life is stole
Bitterly buried in a hole
Three remain broken, but saved
Forever haunted by that unjust grave

Jeffrey Cook

Thanks For That Summer

2006-08-02T12:08:00.000-07:00

Change is upon me, the summer that I have come to love is fading away. This past summer has been a defining point in my life. I cannot explain in words the type of change that has occurred in my life as a result of these past months but the waves will be felt through the rest of my life. I have had to face one of the scariest things I have ever faced, myself.

I have had to dig through good, bad and ugly parts of my life and my past. I have learned to own my actions for they are the physical manifestation of what my soul is comprised of. When I moved out to Minnesota I was expecting change, but nothing of the kind that has occurred. I have learned how to see both the good and the bad in someone, even harder my father. For myself when I was breaking down what had taken place in my past all I wanted to do was to blame one person and demonize them with all the blame, anger, and pain that I had. This was a very bad thing to do, but it also was the easiest thing to do. I have passed that stage, and I feel that I am able to accept these extremes from the same individual.

This summer has shown me the beauty and potential of life and love; I feel that I have a large portion of that potential inside myself. The future was something that I feared in the past but now it is something that is exciting and wonderful. Accepting change other than that which I allowed was near Impossible but now I face it on a daily basis and it’s good. There is so much to be taken out of this life and I feel that I have just tasted a small part but I am eager to have more.

I have also had to learn how to hurt and how to greave. It is important that we learn how to greave for it is part of our humanity and in such time has also shown me its power of healing. I still feel awkward including my spirituality in my blogs but I cannot deny the intricate design of these past events and I cannot leave the explanation to mere chance for that would not do justice for what I have experienced.

This summer will never be forgotten for it is the basis of many new chapters in my life’s story. This summer that I love has taught me to love again and it has shown me the selfish side of my soul and it has given me the chance to change and to grow. This life that I have been given is a beautiful gift and not to be wasted by idle thoughts and actions. Seek the light and all of its beauty because only when we decide to open our eyes will we have the chance to love.

A Familiar Road

2006-08-02T11:48:00.000-07:00

Back into the shadow for a moment, not to exist in it but to visit those lost in the darkness, I do not live in that mist I have chosen the light. My heart breaks for those I love left in the pain and darkness but it it’s not my responsibility to save them for each man must see the path and have the courage to step forth from the blinding black. I had a vision of perfection for this endeavor across lands but I have been awakened to the state of war that exists between two souls that I love. It has been hard to see both the beauty of the light and the pain of darkness in the same being but my understanding of such has increased. I do not have the energy or the strength to keep another from falling in the path from the past that I have left but it is also not my place. I felt my feet start to slide back to the path that I left but this time I have the tools of understanding to keep myself from falling. I have the responsibility to control myself and that is all, for I do not have enough knowledge or strength to change those around me. That is place is occupied by the one who has shown me the light.

Time

2006-06-29T02:52:00.000-07:00

This Moment we have now,
Can never wash away.
In my heart I know
Together we will stay.

In this world I see
All I want is you.
The love you give to me
None other is so true.

So stand with me right now
And watch time fade away,
To you I will stay true
Until our dying day

Jeffrey Cook

Look to the future with hope and understand the path that led you to where you are.

Picture is © VirginiasBestKeptSecret.com

Poets

2006-06-26T00:36:00.000-07:00

" No man was ever yet a great poet, without being at the same time a profound philosopher. For poetry is the blossom and the fragrance of all human knowledge,human thoughts, human passions, emotions, language. "
- Samuel Taylor Coleridge

To be my father in the fatherless days

2006-06-22T11:33:00.000-07:00

I've been reading some Psalms and I came across this verse after I posted the previous blog and I couldn't ignore its truth.

If you O Lord, Kept a record of sins O Lord who could stand?
But with you there is forgiveness therefore you are feared. Psalms 130: 3-4

This is such a beautiful verse because true forgiveness is a very powerful force and in its purity it is a wholesome and perfect truth, can you embrace the reality of forgiveness? It hurts but when you let go its worth everything

I also have found a great song by the Newsboys, Always

what were you thinking
i got a right to ask
is there a reason
other than your past
a great pretender
why was i the last to see
through your SKIN
is there a chance you'll ever change
it's always the same
you're always to blame
is there any way around this
i can't see
you walked out on her
you planned to be free
i'm trying not to point the finger
but it's killing me
what were you thinking
were you thinking of me
did you see what they wrote
on the family tree
i know it's over
all in the past
i need to forgive you?
if i'm to last - will i ever change
take these pieces
thrown away
put them together from
night 'n' day
washed by the sun
dried by the rain
to be my father in the fatherless days

Self Medication

2006-06-22T03:08:00.000-07:00

Some of my previous blogs have been focused on a somewhat recent relationship, well ok it was 5 months ago so not that recent. Anyway the main point of the blogs were to express the pain that I’ve been feeling and having a way to vent some of that pent up pressure. This pain that I’ve been feeling has driven me insane, it’s a constant force that I’ve had to fight with in my thoughts and decisions and self image. It would be terribly dangerous if left unchecked. I’ve worked with it for a while now not really trying to understand it, but just managing it. It worked well at first but it’s come back and I’ve had to open up some of my flood gates to release my feelings, it’s been hard but I decided to face it and find out where all of this is coming from in my head. Well after a couple of days spent wrestling with brain and digging deep into some dark rooms I’ve come up with something, it’s me that’s the cause. When I broke up with my ex girlfriend I hurt her very deeply emotionally and I was hurt emotionally also. The difference was that I didn’t forgive myself for hurting her and I still haven’t forgiven myself, there were a lot of other issues at the time but the one thing that I haven’t let go about that relationship was how badly I hurt the girl that I loved at the time. I’m working it out now in learning some self forgiveness 101 because I’ve realized that there are quite a few other areas in my life where I have not forgiven myself for things that have happened. Pain allows us to know what happiness is. Pain is created by our mind and body, physical pain is a message from our bodies telling us something is wrong and emotional pain is our soul telling us something is wrong. God created our bodies and through such pain was already integrated into the human race from the start.

4 a.m thoughts

2006-06-21T03:00:00.000-07:00

I’ve been rather depressed this last week, it’s been really just from thinking about a past relationship that I had. It drives me nuts thinking about it, I’ve lost my head. I reason to myself to understand that all of the bad things that happened during the relationshop where nothing. I argue against my decision of breaking up with her and moving on, I protest for another chance with her in my mind. I’m my worst enemy right now, I try to make myself turn tail and run back to a relationship that doesn’t even exist anymore. During one of my lower points I tried to call her, she didn’t answer and I think she’s blocked calls from my cell phone. You think I’d get a freaking clue……not really; she still is in my head. Why do I empower her memory to torture myself, all in all I’m just punishing myself because I got hurt in that relationship. Does that even make sense….. nope of course not. I pride myself in my thought processes and how I deal with everyday situations, but this whole situation is just sad on my part. I’ve made a rather funny announcement to some of my family members, basically I stated that I could be single for the rest of my life and I said it with a confident tone, posture and everything needed to be believable. It’s kind of like a sunken ship saying it will be out on the ocean forever. It’s true but not in a good way, I feel like I could be single for the rest of my life because I’m damaged goods and I’m complaining about it. Oh and just to settle it I hope that I’m not single for the rest of my life because if my x was the best thing that happened to me in this life time, then the best just wasn’t worth it.

Walking

2006-06-16T22:57:00.000-07:00

So many paths that face my feet
Each one has its beauty to keep
My head challenged and my body tired
To fill my soul with a passionate desire

For the next bend and turn to unfold,
To write the stories of my life on this parchment of old
For eternity to keep and understand
Unbiased about my dreams and hungry hands

I do not seek an end to this dream
Even if I where to take every path seen
I would still continue on with every step
And live this journey without regret

Jeffrey Cook

looking down

2006-06-15T02:30:00.000-07:00

The only thing keeping you from seeing me is your eyelids and I won't remove them either, it would hurt you too much. I know that you'll to blink, your human.

Journeying

2006-06-12T11:21:00.000-07:00

I’ve found myself in a resting place,
Out of the storm within and awoken to a peaceful voice
I don’t feel the pain anymore but the memory is not erased
You’ve created something better in thoughts and choice

Jeffrey Cook

I Don't Like You

2006-06-11T12:21:00.000-07:00

This last week has been very interesting at work and I’d like to celebrate some of my observances and some of my feelings. I work at an industrial fabrication plant and I work the second shift form 3:30 p.m. to 4:00 am and the shifts are very long! There are only 5 people that work at night and since it is a very large factory we are all spread out between the welding area, grinding area, machining area and my very own painting area. The night time supervisor is named bill and bill has been working this job for way to long, 11 years!!! All of those 11 years he has worked the night shift so as one would think he’s a little different form your normal boss stereo type. At first when I worked with Bill he was very quiet and pretty mean, he would walk by tell me that I wasn’t going fast enough when I was really pushing it and he would also very demeaning on the whole whenever I would talk to him. My basic description would be a grumpy old guy that’s a pain in the ass. So there’s your background on bill. At first it just made me really angry whenever he would start his barrage of demeaning comments for my work ethic and such so I would just avoid him as much as possible. Well that worked for a while but as a supervisor does he has to inspect my parts and all so I had to see him at least a half a dozen times in the night, much more than your healthy dosage! Well I’ve gotten sick of this crabby bill so I’ve tried something new, very amazing that I would even think of this but I decided to try and be a friend, more like a awkward mutual toleration than anything else, but for the type of person that bill is it would be the closest thing to a friendship I would assume that he’s had in a while because everyone at the plant doesn’t really like him at all and you could take a pole to prove my point. So well it was a little awkward at first but it consisted of basically trying to bring up conversation on anything that would actually take because it was like trying to move a train with all the wheels welded to the tracks, nearly impossible! Well I soon found out that he has a plethora of knowledge about the place that we work and a good amount of history on it too so that is the topic that broke the ice, a very weird ice breaker but it still worked. I never knew anyone could be so enthusiastic about the machinery within a plant but let me tell you those machines have a special place in bills heart. So it all went moderately well for my fist week of experimentations and the second went very well! On Friday morning at 4:00 a.m. when I clocked out to leave bill actually waved smiled and said for me to have a good night, if I wasn’t so tiered I think I would have cleaned out my ears and then checked my heart beat for any signs of a pulse. I then wondered to myself how often we give up on people and friendships in the beginning of meeting Individuals of the less than desirable kind. I don’t know what the true statistic is but I know that we generally make up our minds on whether we like someone or not within the first couple of seconds that we meet them I’ve also wondered how many times I’ve given up on a potentially refreshing friendship because of first impressions.

Loved Memories

2006-06-01T02:40:00.000-07:00

The painful memories are like sharp blades to our hearts, at first we bleed and wound is left and depending on the situation the wounds can be superficial or terrifyingly deep. We then carry around this pain and even the tool that caused it hidden within our thoughts, we tend to hide the more painful thoughts to protect ourselves. As we move on things trigger our brains like the smell of perfume or a certain song and we relive those painful memories, it reopens the wound and we hurt and bleed again. The way that we heal is to take the edge off of the memory, we do that by surrounding ourselves with people who love us and only by the power of love and the desire to heal can we then finally be able to handle the painful memories. We can never eradicate painful memories and nor should we want to, but to allow the sharp edges to be worn down is something that we have to be willing to do. Overshadow the pain with love and never think that you can have enough love.

CandleLight

2006-05-29T17:44:00.000-07:00

This I hold in my hands, the precious light of my soul
Do you wish take it and blind me with your darkness
I pray for my light to carry on into the starlight
And remove myself from the darkness of this world

I do not belong here the everlasting light declares this true,
My capabilities are endless but I fear for the worst of me to
Come into the light for it lurks in the darkness of the
Deepest chasms waiting to be unleashed.

Come to me my love and heal this soul,
Relight my fire with your love,
The cold is changed when you are at my side
I wish to take you into the starlight

Let me show you my self inside out
So that the evil existing in my darkness
Can be exposed in this cleansing light
Live with me in this endless starlight

Jeffrey Cook

In The Shadows

2006-05-29T17:11:00.000-07:00

The pain of the past always lurks, the memories, the regrets never leave. The needs and the wants may change but in the end we still have needs and wants. The shadows of a past relationship have overcast itself upon my life, this has not happened by some random act of events but rather by my own thoughts taking me there. I allow myself to be in this state of darkness and I think I enjoy it in some sick way. The aftermath of the self destruction inside cannot be seen by anyone else but me although the destruction and self punishment is far greater than any physical pain. This has only cemented my thoughts in that our greatest possible enemy is only ourselves because in the end who else allows your thoughts to drift into such deepened states of depression. One of the greatest fears that I have is not being able to find something greater than that which I have let go and to imagine something greater than the lost is something I cannot do right now.

Medic?

2006-05-24T03:00:00.000-07:00

I have recently had a person very close to me lash out in a little bit of a tantrum which resulted in a moderate amount pain in my life. I found this at first to feel as if someone had slapped me in the face leaving me stunned and out of breath since I did not expect such a deliberately attacking blow to come from this individual in such a direct manner. I anticipated that this individual would try such moves in very rare cases and only in a very indirect way; however I was apparently incorrect with my assumptions. After I was hit with the initial verbal assault I then started to burn with a great deal of anger to compensate for the pain that it caused and also to defend against any further damage. The conversation was ended shortly after and I then had some time to process what just happened. My first initial reaction was to throw my cell phone out into a field behind my work , this was a very immature thing to do but it definitely felt great at the time and helped bring my anger back down since I was then more concerned about the wellbeing of my cell phone laying about 40 yards away with all of my friends and families information in it. I then immediately called a person who I am very close with and who has helped me work through a great deal of my issues in the past. My friend that I called didn’t pick up the phone to my dismay, but as I was going through the list of my friends in my mind that would be able to help me work through my anger and pain the original person that I called, called me back. After discussing my situation with my friend and letting a little bit of anger out it was decided to work the issue out the next day when more time was available for the both of us. This lifted my heart knowing that I had a plan to resolve my anger and heal the damage that was inflicted. I couldn’t help but realize that in the past when I faced other trivial situations that were potentially painful I reacted in the same manner, I sought help. As elementary as this is I can’t help be notice that I have few designated people in my life that I trust with my problems and I go to them frequently to discuss my issues. I shall call these people Emotional Medics and I thank God for those people in my life because even if your only able to express the problem and resolve it at a later date it is a very safe feeling knowing that you have people that are there for you. So I’ll throw in the cheesy but true statement find your local emotional Medic and make sure you use them, it gives you and excuse to use people in a good way!

Appeasing the gods or feeding the crows?

2006-05-21T21:52:00.000-07:00

I have some people in my life that tend to impose their thoughts and actions upon my life in thinking that, of course their plan for my life is the best seat in the house and I should just sit back and watch the show. The main problem with this is the fact that the person who is imposing the advice/crazy rationality is so terribly damaged that they themselves shouldn't even be thinking of giving advice so that they can put forth some of this wonderfully "creative" work into the state of disrepair in their own lives. There is a problem also if in fact the person is close to you and the potential of them handling some helpful advice for their own lives in a positive manner being rather dismal, one is then faced with two choices: 1. Inform the individual about their unhealthy state of being and risk an explosion while refuting their advice. Or 2. Thanking that individual for the advice and then dance around the subject in high hopes that it will simply disappear without the discomfort of stepping on the persons toes that could potentially result in an equally devastating conversation about step one. So then in a result do we feed the ego or do we heal the source that is in a state of disillusionment?